I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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