i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
