My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
