I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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