my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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