Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
