Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
