I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
