i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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