dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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