So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
