Apparently you make a good broom.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
did i walk over a car last night?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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