I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
