I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
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There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
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woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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