He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
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Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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