As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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