I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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