Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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