can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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