I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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