All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
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Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
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I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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