I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
