we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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