Do you still have your period?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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