Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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