i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
