You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
