I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I faked an abortion last night.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
