Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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