as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
