im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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