the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
