M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
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Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
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The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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