I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
