I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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