so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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