Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
where are my eyebrows?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
