Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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