it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
