Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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