I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
