I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
