this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
