then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
