we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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