do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
