can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
