new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
