when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
not ubering you a puppy
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
