Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
the liver wants what the liver wants
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
