I CAN MOONWALK!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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