Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
